Monday, May 2, 2016

It's alright

Hey guys,

Sorry for the sobby post of yesterday.

I´ll post the friendship post number 2 shortly.

Thanks!

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Farewell sunshine.

Yesterday I called my ex.

I was coming home from a visiting a 'friend'. It was 23 hours and I thought it was pretty late.

Turns out she said she was going out at that same time. I was coming home, and the ex said she was going out.

The person I had hold in my arms at night, several times, who fell asleep on my arms, is laughingly saying to me to "get over" and move on.

She said that nobody is irreplaceable, which kinda says more about her, than it does me.

And then she asked to hang up because she was getting to the place where she was headed.

I don´t know what to say anymore, or what to do.

I thought about punching out yesterday again.

Sometimes, I reassure myself to get back on track, but then things like this happens, and it just crushes me.

After that, I told her through messaging that I probably would kill myself. Then I erased her from my contacts.

I haven´t heard nothing from her ever since. No call, nothing.

The message is clear. She doesn´t care at all. I could die. And that´s it. She would move on. Not even a single tear, I guess.

Everything, in 4 + years of relationship gone to the wind.

To my mind, this is crazy as balls, because I never thought of her as just a "squeeze", or someone to pass the time. She was my muse, my love, my life.

I know I made mistakes to her, but who doesn´t? I told her time and again, through any number of shed tears, that I was very sorry for my mistakes, but apparently, this means next to nothing.

And now, I live without knowing what am I going to do with all my memories of her, that even she doesn´t want me to have and to cater to anymore.

There was a time that, if I said that I was going to forget about her, that would cause pain in her. Now she´s asking me to do it.

It´s a very surreal experience to me. I just can´t seem to be cavalier about it. There´s nothing in life that has prepared me to lose someone I thought was going to be my only companion through life.

I have no idea how to deal with that.

I don´t know what to do to take her out of my mind. I went out with another girl for a month and that only made me more sad.

There´s a part of me, that thought she was going to be the 'one', that refuses to let her go.

And it´s been a while now, it´s already time to let her go, and I can´t seem to do that.

I'm lost.



Sunday, April 24, 2016

Friendship.

I'm going to answer the comments made in the last comment this week. Already say that I appreciate very much every comment. 

I´m going to talk about Friendship. And how fickle I came to learn they are. 

I´m 32 years old. So I´m already on my second or third batch of "friends". What do I mean by that is that, when you are young you tend to have your little friends. When you are in high-school you tend to have a group of friends (or more) as well. 

And then when you finish college, you probably also have a set of friends. This I call "batches". This happens because people more or less change with time, and by the time you get to high-school, you probably won't have many friends you made when you were in kindergarten. This is because things change, you change, and by the force of circumstances you stop being friends with whomever it was you were back in the day. 

I am also going to use the term friendship loosely here because it´s the best we have. I´ll try to hold down different meanings as I go along. 

As it´s usual with my blog here, I´m going to use my own history to illustrate what I´m going to say. 

I came to find how much friendship is a hollow term these day and age. 

Does this mean, I will say that you should not or must not have friends, or that friendships are stupid? 

No. By all means, go out and try to meet people, as long as you want and they are good, relatable folk.

What I am saying is that friendship is a very hollow idea in this world that we live in. I´m talking about almost a selfless friendship, a romantic idea of it. 

Granted, romantic ideas of everything are generally stupid anyway.

But there are some places when they should be more or less "understandable", at least? Friendships being one such case, IMO.

I had three of such friends in the beginning of 2011 that I don´t have anymore. 

And these were "friends friends". Not just people I knew, but people I had a connection of some sort. They were not just acquaintances. But, come to think of it, how do you separate a friend from an acquaintance? 

Maybe they were acquaintances after all. But, since I invested in these relations much more than others, you generally consider those "friends", whatever this means in your lexicon. 

I had three such friends AFTER college, and after some years have passed in fact, since as of 2011 I was already 5 years after my college formation. 

This is important. I´m not saying that young people are fleeting, but yeah, young people are very fleeting. They are very fickle and unstable, and generally in theirs 15 - 19, so much happens in their lives it´s difficult to keep up with much 'friendships' are all. They make and meet many friends, but they also disregard a lot of connections in their lives. The speed that they happen in this age is astonishing. 

After you are about finishing college and the first years after it and so on, things slow down in life (and they´ll keep slowing down, I gather), and friendships have the time to settle and then you can keep or make friendships that will go along with you for some years to come. 

Another thing is that friendship is supposed (SUPPOSED being key here) to be different from 'romantic relationships', because those, in general are even more fickle than the general notion of friendship itself. Friendships are supposed to last longer than failed romantic attempts, and people expect to be friends of former 'romantic partners'. 

So, in this sense, whenever your girlfriend number 8 brokes up with you, it is generally expected that this might happen, whereas friends are supposed to stick around and last longer, and form more solid relationships. (Romantic relationships are complicated, though, and are not the subject of this essay here)

So that´s why, in a way, I am nowadays a tad more disappointed with my former "friends" than I am with my ex-girlfriend. 

So I had three friends at the beginning of 2011, which is 5+ years after graduating. People that I had "weeded out" from the chaff, people that I thought I knew and trusted. Friends that I thought were even more solid people than other "friends" I had earlier in my days. People I talked about the acquaintances I made, the girls I knew, the difficulties I had in life. You know. 'Friends'.

And then, everything just... kinda fizzled out. 

So I am going to start with the number one, the first friend I lost. It was, you guessed it, in that symbolic time, 2011. 

THE FIRST FRIEND I LOST 

This friend was a very important friend throughout most of my life. I used to be friends with him since I was a wee little thing. We lost touch back in 1993, when we changed schools (funny thing, we went to the same major school but never became friends again there, because we attended school at different times). 

And then we got in touch when I found him again through Orkut, a social network back in the day. 

We hung out from there until 2011, had a few arguments here and there, but in general things were ok.

In 2008 we had a major argument. In 2009 again. And then, in 2011, I brought up these arguments we had mostly through mail, and he didn´t budge. He didn´t understand I was not ok with some stuff he had said. 

Funny thing also. When I got to know this friend in 2005, he was already well changed. I thought he was becoming crazy. In 2011 he was even worse. He took several meds. But as fate is very ironic, it turns out my own mental well being degenerated quite like his own in those years now. He was very withdrawn, and suffered from social anxiety at the very least. Barely left home, this kind of thing.

At the time, I though I had it better than him, but some years down the line I´m at the same spot if not worse. 

So we had a disagreement, and as he was kinda conchy as to recognizing the way I felt about it, so I figured what the hell. 

Let's finish this.

We had disagreements, it wasn't just one. So it is a testament to the change in nature people display when they grow up as well. 
---

I´ll continue with the two other friendships next post.

Many cheers to all.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...